Sour Grape

“So I’m gonna keep this package tight,” Dvar said, never mind my head was still spinning.

Never mind I just wanted to sit somewhere, think about my life and cry.

But then I remember product doesn’t have time to cry.

The cruel reality of knowing my job was to deny whatever in me said I should want things and respond only to the things that I was told to want… sank in.

It was a load too heavy to cry about. A load too heavy to laugh about.

It was the moment I really felt it. Realized… it.

God’s plan is expressed in bell curves. Genuinely.

For every person who was having a wonderful, beautiful life, free of all stress.

And that person definitely existed somewhere.

There was someone like me.

On the completely opposite end of the bell curve.

Born into a body guaranteed nothing.

Promised nothing.

Given nothing.

Being…

Nothing.

I exist to suffer in place of the ones who don’t.

I suffer so their days can shine.

The cosmic punchline, not the joke.

It made me want to throw up.

“Okay.” I said back, hollowly accepting my future.

Be the best little toaster I know how to to be.

That’s the only value I have.

I can control that.

I can become death.

I felt something in me shift.

It wasn’t coming back…

Least I could still laugh at it.

Name it.

“Lakshmi believes I robbed her of a childhood because I chose to raise clones. One after the other. Painstakingly choosing and selecting.”

“And fuck-…”

“It is integral,” Dvar stopped and looked back at me, one of those strong fingers stopping me, pointed at my chest as I walked into it. “To your survival… that you do not finish that sentence.”

I froze like a mouse in the face of a python. Staring up at him.

So I did the most defusing thing I could.

My job from now on was to win at all costs, right?

I chose respect.

“Yes, sir.”

I saw his eyes dip down to my mouth.

Note to self. He likes that button.

Dvar offered the tiniest shift at the corner of his mouth, and then he turned to continue.

“She controls almost all pork production on Thread. The whole bowl.”

“Aren’t we mostly fish?” I said, not missing a beat as I kept step behind him and to the right.

When I walked like him, people walked around me too. They looked at me like a valuable thing.

I was the Oyabun’s right hand now…?

I fought a smile at that thought.

Holy shit, I was actually fuckin’ Yakuza!

I really wanted to do a fist pump. A wahoo. I felt so god damn cool.

When I let my brain stop tumbling down the rabbit hole of my own doom, I had to kind of look at the bright side.

Bunch of other clones were gone. I lived.

Sure I got here on pretty privilege. But I was here.

I was strutting down…

I squinted at the street sign overhead as we crossed a four lane highway, turning to walk backwards as I read it.

Dvar reached back and snatched me back in line.

I stumbled a bit, but found my stride.

I was strutting down Cholla Vista Boulevard with the Oyabun of the Naga Gita Syndicate!

I didn’t have to get smacked around in a barracks full of boys that smelled like armpit sweat and stolen corn products.

All of that misery was behind me.

I actually took an easy breath.

“You understand what I mean, right?”

“You say what?” I said back, blinking several times.

Dvar turned us both into an alley and smashed my back against the brick wall in it.

“Why do I always gotta rough you up, Pretty Boy?” He asked, tipping his head.

“Dude… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t whine.” He said, dropping me onto my feet, “Now what did I just say.”

“You said Lakshmi owns the pork trade.”

“That was five minutes ago.”

“Shit,” I sighed, looking around before I looked back up at him. “Look, before you punch me in the stomach… Can I just promise to try to do better? I really can’t help it, man… I’m not gonna stay well if you keep gut punching me every time I’m in a rabbit hole.”

He thought about that.

Actually thought about it.

I could tell by the way he looked away towards the street for a moment.

When he locked eyes with me again for a moment I felt… human.

His eyes searched my face.

“Alright. I can be overly demanding. But if I have to understand you more, then you need to understand me more,” He said, pointing back and forth between us as he did.

What. The fuck. Was happening.

“What? I’m… like- did… sure?” I asked, my lip curling, as if wondering if this was about to be the worst beating I ever took in my life?

Please, no?

“I’m not gonna hit you, Pretty Boy,” Dvar sighed. “Look. I live under a… what…? Lifestyle? We’ll call it. One that requires a certain level of control and…” He spun his right ring around his middle finger with his left hand while he talked. I could see the veins in the back of his strong hands.

“I… get that. I’m not saying I don’t, man. I’m not like… trying to be a shithead here. I get it. You’re gonna put a collar on my neck. I gotta live in that reality. Can you just appreciate that I gotta live in that reality too? As the one in the collar?”

“I do. I don’t take it lightly either… I didn’t expect owning a not-person to be an easy approach to life. Not one of you has been. I’ve appreciated each of you differently.”

“I’m sure you have,” I twisted my lips.

“Not like that, smart ass…” Dvar said, shoving my chin up with a finger. “Who the fuck do you even think you are anyway?” He laughed a little. “Always with the mouth. You and that mouth.”

“Yeah. You seem to like it. You’re always looking at it,” I shot back.

“Hey…” Dvar said, “That’s the line.”

I nodded.

“Oh,” my eyes tick-tocking about.

He actually kind of defined it for me. The level of sass he appreciated and the kind he didn’t.

Too much back and forth was choppy territory.

Right. I could connect those dots.

Fine when it’s funny, not when it bites.

“Good boy,” He said, playing with one of my French braids.

Why was this drugs?

I just stared at him, nervously connecting eyes when I dared. I hated how raw it felt. I felt exposed. He was doing it on purpose and I hated that I liked it…

The push-pull of toxicity.

“Why are you uncomfortable?”

Exactly. Making me uncomfortable.

“You just… it’s weird when you look at me like that. I’m not trying to be what you want me to be. Least not like… that, man.”

“Like what.”

“I’m not the boyfriend type. I don’t think I’m the anything type. Doing anything with anybody just kinda feels like… I dunno. Confus-“

“But you were born last Thursday. Basically.”

“Oh… That’s a fucked up reality.” I nodded, sitting with it.

“I don’t mean to throw it in your face like that, but… realize,” He offered me an easy shrug.

“Fuck. You wanna kiss me right now don’t you?” I asked, pain on my face.

“Two things,” He said, lifting two fingers. “One, I won’t, but two. You are correct.”

And as casually and smoothly as a man who knew the street like the back of his hand, he lifted his left and waved over a girl at the cabana stand beside us.

From his back pocket he pulled out that beautiful inlayed wallet, peeled it open and rifled through a few notes.

He handed her far too much money and plucked a bag of gummy bears from a product clip hanging from the front of her cart.

I stared at them.

He plopped them right into my hands.

I stared at them longer.

I felt moisture rim my eyes, saw the hazy weirdness of water shrink-wrapping my eyes in tears.

I blinked them away, bravado refusing to let him know…

“Thank you…” I said, genuinely overwhelmed.

Nobody had ever kept a promise to me in my life.

Not ever.

Not Mido, not anyone.

We got used to disappointment. They did it on purpose.

I stared at those gummy bears.

“I’m a man of my word, Pretty Boy,” He said, and turned to continue walking.

I followed along eventually, but I couldn’t stop staring at the bag of sweets.

They felt more precious than gemstones.

I didn’t even want to open them but I didn’t want to insult Dvar.

That and I also couldn’t resist myself.

What? I’m a man child.

I pulled open the pouch of gummy candies and plucked out the weird clear one.

I figured that should be my favorite one.

The one I was most unsure about.

Like the rest of my life.

I pushed it into my mouth and let my brain turn off at the gummy, semi-firm, chewy texture as its mysterious lemonade-coconut flavor washed over my tongue.

No… that wasn’t it… it was more tart. Like lemonade and grape.

Like sour grape, really.

Wow… Candy was actually everything I hoped it would be.

I’d never had anything that sweet in my life.

It hit my brain instantly.

Sour grape sparked in my senses, washing through my nose as I chewed another, and another… and another.

I never wanted to run out of those little clear bears.

My cheeks were swelling with candy.

I hunted for more.

“Pretty Boy…”

“Mnhn?” I munch-knowledged.

“You’re not paying attention are you.”

Why lie? “No.”

Dvar coughed out a laugh.

“Take your time.” He smiled, glancing back at me.

God he was cool.

He actually made me feel good about existential dread.

Son of a bitch.