This Is What Trapped Feels Like

Those moments when you couldn’t believe your life.

They weren’t always good. Weren’t always bad.

But they were profound.

Like you feel this big ass weight… and it just comes down on you. Like the moment you touch bedrock and you realize it’s farther down than you thought.

That’s where I was, really. Just sitting in the passenger seat of his car, feeling the smooth pavement beneath us as he traveled at a speed that should worry me.

But it didn’t.

The city was like a Victorian daydream with the lights turned down low. Not night, just… late.

Like it was dusk forever.

There was a fog that walked the streets and covered the road ahead. Thick like the conversation we’d all like to have with the dead.

You’d think the shit was a little spooky, but it wasn’t.

It just felt like being asleep and dreaming.

Like I woke up in my favorite mystery novel and completely lost control of the rules.

Unsettling really.

But beautiful.

Even a street nerd like me could recognize that.

I even took my glasses out of my hoodie pocket and put them on.

“You wear glasses?”

“Huh?” I said, almost forgetting Cutter was in the car, my head snapping over to him.

“Yeah,” I said from behind my plastic, black frames.

“Damn, kid. I see why you get beat up.”

“Thanks… I guess.” I frowned, “Whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean.”

“I’m just sayin’. Like… I can see how being you’s gotta be tough where you’re from.”

“I’m fine, man.” I glanced at him, then looked back out the window. “I don’t need your sympathy.”

“Yeah, yeah… I get it. You’re tough, kid.”

He drove like he’d done this a thousand times before.

He even took corners at speeds that made me feel my skin pull on my face. Made me feel the weird pressure of g-forces. I knew he was trying to scare me.

I refused to give him the satisfaction.

I was in that numb place again, anyway. Just staring at it.

When we barreled down from the hills, he slid us into traffic smoothly. None of the other cars seemed to complain about this renaissance muscle car barreling in sideways and smoothly merging into the far right lane.

he just slowed us down and kept driving, in no real hurry.

I stared at him.

“Really, dude?”

“Love that hill run,” Cutter said, smirking confidently.

“We're not riding in the car together often, are we?”

“Nope. You’re in the field. I’m usually at a precinct or investigating something in my own jurisdiction.”

“Good. What’s your jurisdiction so I can stay the fuck out of it?” I asked.

He chuckled.

“I’m in the Outback, kid. You’re too young for that.”

“I’m young forever, man. Might as well tell me.”

“Not young like that, Baby,” He said, shifting gears as he cut into the left lane, sped up to the exit, and downshifted as we pulled off.

“Stop calling me Baby.”

“No choice. That’s your call sign.”

“What?! What the fuck, man!” I whined, “Well, what’s yours!?"

He turned his head to face me slowly, staring as if he couldn’t believe I was asking.

“Cutter,” he said simply, his eyebrows ticking up.

“FUCK!” I flailed in my seatbelt. “Get the fuck outta here, man. Wait, that’s what my name-name is? Like to everybody!?”

“Yep.”

“To other vampires!?”

“Yep.”

“Nooooo… No, no, no. That’s- …”

I just stared at him as the doom settled in my stomach.

“You hungry?”

My face dropped.

“Nah, nigga, I just keep sayin’ it cus I like the word.”

“You only said it once.”

“That’s not enough?” I asked.

He shoved my head with his big hand.

“Hey! Knock that off, man!” I fussed, straightening my glasses as he pulled into what looked like an old school theater.

“Here we are… This is just supposed to be brunch. Everyone in here wants to drink you dead, so watch your mouth.” He said as he navigated the parking lot for a space.

Shit was full up. There were cars in nearly every space except the ones in the back.

“Great… why the fuck are so many people here? Ya’ll niggas don’t sleep?” I asked, glancing up at the marquee on the building, “Hikari’s Japanese Theatre? Like TCL?” I asked.

“Yeah… back in the day, the TCL Chinese Theater used to be called Grauman’s Chinese Theater. It was this crazy big premiere house.”

“Yeah, Star Wars premiered there.”

“Yeah. How’d you know that?” Cutter asked, staring at me oddly.

“Cus I like Star Wars. I mean, I’m not like a big ass fanboy or anything. I can’t quote all the movies or tell you which one’s my favorite, but… I at least know where they premiered the shit back in the day.”

He seemed impressed.

I tilted my head like a puppy and said, “Nigga? I watch YouTube.”

“If you knew how much older I am than you, you’d realize how stupid you sound right now.”

“… I gotta realize you motherfuckers old as hell,” I nodded.

“Yep.” He nodded as well, “Anyway. Vampires are all about station. Like… class. You know, like Indian people?” Cutter asked.

“They got that… what, cass system or some shit?”

“Caste.”

“That.”

“Yeah. Like that, only worse. To them? You’re just cute dinner. So… til you get some notoriety or whatever?”

“Shut the fuck up and be cute dinner,” I nodded. “Right.”

“Shutting up would be good for you anyway. Maybe you’ll learn something.”

“You probably right. So what about this place?”

“So yeah, this is Hikari’s.”

“The Zaibatsu guy?”

“The very same. Zaibatsu girl though. We’re here to see his daughter. He’s probably not here. She’s twisted, and she likes pretty boys. Don’t be surprised if she wants your neck. Vampires are… well, if we’re the dogs, they’re kinda like the cats.”

“I get that.”

“Expect pressure. Expect social games. Expect it all.”

“What?”

“They’re like that. It’s part of society, it’s how they work. Even sex is currency to them. Only Black Ministry took the dog route. For control, but damn near everybody you see in an echo…”

“Vampires… right. So this is the Outback?”

“Part of it. Remember the egg carton thing?”

“Yeah.”

“The Outback is basically the not-cup parts. It extends far and wide. It’s the echo-fabric itself. But there’s one really big echo, that’s the one we call the Outback… that’s where I work most of the time.

“The place I’m forever too young for.”

“No. It’s a … Look. The threats there are beyond you. You and guys like Bud, you work smaller echoes. Like this one… for now.”

I nodded, absorbing all of that.

“Man, this shit is insane.”

“Yeah… well. One thing at a time. Let’s see what this lady wants to say to you, get some food, then get you sworn in.”

I reached for the door handle at the same time he did, echoing his movements.

We both got out, slammed those heavy doors, and looked at each other over the roof of his car.

“Anything else?” I asked him.

“Be careful what you say. Vampires are always predators. Always remember what you’re talking to. Not who. And always remember you’re the food. They’re all hunting you.”

“What!?” I asked, my eyes going wide.

“Vampires play long games. It’s not all dark alleys and drowning in blood. Just know they smell you.”

“How the fuck do you know that?” I asked.

He pointed at the theater.

It was then that I got a good, hard look at it.

It was a wide, squat, two-story pagoda-like building with no windows. They were open to the air.

Trinkets hung from each of them high above the people crowding them, all staring down at me.

Their eyes were glowing. Resonating various shades of orange through red.

All of them using blood magic to suss me out through the fog with their ancient eyes. A thermal outline of fresh blood as I followed Cutter into that beautiful piece of architecture.

I could hear them sniffing in collective unison. Groups of deep, hungry inhales.

Predatory instincts coming alive.

When they saw me look up at them, they all ducked back down out of sight.

Of course. We’re all civilized, right?

Not predators at all.

“Wow… awesome.”

“Welcome to the social game, kiddo. Everything is a lie. Even the truth.”

We stepped onto the inclined walkway heading into the pagoda.

The men at the door greeted Cutter but stared at me.

Hard.

I pretended like I didn’t notice as they shook hands.

One of them reached for my hand to shake.

I reached back.

He gripped it tight and snatched me in close.

“Welcome…” He said low, staring me in the eyes, “We love newcomers to the theater. You’re…”

The clutch on my hand tightened.

“Not from around here,” I offered back, clutching back if only to avoid him breaking my fingers.

“Mm… you smell like new blood,” he teased one of his canines with his tongue.

Cutter stepped back and placed a hand on his shoulder.

They met eyes.

“We’re expected inside,” he said to the doorman.

I felt him reluctantly let my hand go, his eyes glancing down at my collar.

“Of course… Enjoy your meal,” he said, staring at me as he said the last word.

Like he was hoping to get a sniff of dinner. Like he was hoping dinner was me.

He swallowed desperately.

I exhaled a breath, trying to keep my worry out of it as I massaged the bridge of my nose and dipped my head down, following Cutter.

“I really smell like chicken nuggets don’t I?”

“Yes!” Cutter said back, nodding emphatically, his eyes wide as he met my stare.

“Noooo,” I whined.

“It’s bad. Honest truth, Baby. You ever been driving for a few hours to make it to a dinner appointment and by the time you got there, everyone has already ordered, and you have to wait for your food while they’re eating theirs?”

My eyes went wide.

“Aight. We’re done here,” I said, turning to head for the door.

Cutter reached out to grab my arm and pulled me back.

“Relax, man. Nobody’s gonna attack you. That’s why Blossom collared you. You’re safe.”

“Imagine being cake in a room full of kids,” I countered as he guided me further in.

I looked around the theater. The entryway was tight, but its walls had pictures all over them.

Pictures from the past. Apparently famous vampires?

Some of the people in the pictures had wolf ears.

They also had very visible badges, or mantles like Cutter’s.

I started to recognize the ears as the sign of an Omertà. Or rather, a Black Ministry Agent, I should get used to saying.

When we cleared the entry hall, we came into a large auditorium of beautiful tables in front of an even grander stage. We skirted the tables, but as we did, I could see the balcony above had even better seating.

On the stage, as we cleared that soundproof hall, we could also hear the conversation of a man carrying on stage.

I watched Cutter’s wolf ears shift about, following the sounds around us.

People in the audience would laugh as the speaker spoke, so I knew he was a comedian, but I wasn’t paying attention to any of his jokes.

“Cake though?” He finally asked, “Stop, Baby. It’s not that serious.”

“Why? Cus somebody told the kid’s not to eat the cake? What happens when the adults turn their heads, Cutter?” I asked, “What happens when the adults turn their heads?”

Cutter coughed out a laugh.

“You’re so dramatic, man. Blossom’s got power. His mother is an Arch Madame. Real old. You’re fine.”

“Until?”

“Until you get outside of Nightshade.”

“What’s Nightshade?”

Cutter stopped, gestured around.

“This. Is Nightshade. This city. This echo.”

“Oh. They have names.”

“They have names. Once you step outside of Nightshade, all bets are off, so learn how to fight.”

“I know how to fight.”

“That’s what Marcus would say.”

“‘Ey, fuck you, man,” I twisted my lip up at him.

“Low blow. I admit- can we go?”

“Yeah,” I pouted.

He led us on, right up one of those staircases and into a hall.

The entire way, people’s heads snapped around from their tables to stare at me.

Following me.

I felt famous.

But for all the wrong shit.

Even as we walked down that upstairs hall and people passed, vampires couldn’t keep their dangerous eyes off of me.

Not gonna lie, that one Asian cutie over there who licked her lips at me in the cocktail dress could get the business.

But she ain’t lick her lips for the same reason I did.

I wanted them bouncy titties in my face.

She wanted my jugular open like a crime novel.

I immediately broke eye contact.

We carried on.

Not gonna lie to you though… She really coulda got it.

I even looked back to check the booty like I was looking at something else.

When I looked back around, though, I was walking into Cutter’s chest.

“Nng- the fuck, nigga?” I asked, backing up a step.

“You don’t want that trouble in your life.”

“Who?”

“That’s Regal.”

“Regal? The fuck is that?”

“Regal Aoki. From the Hikari bloodline. She’s sworn to marry into an old family. One of those purists whose bloodline has never been outside of the Outback.”

“Big one or eggshell one?” I asked, as I took a step wide from some asshole.

Dude leaned in hard for a sniff.

I didn’t want to overreact, but I ended up pressed against the wall as he passed by well inside of my space.

Don’t look back, man. Just don’t.

I just kept my eyes on Cutter.

He watched it unbothered.

“C’mon,” turning to start away and I followed, glaring back at that fucker who tried to wall-hump me.

“Just consider the big one what I mean when I say the Outback. Eggshell is echo fabric. That’s how we simplify.”

“Cool, so she’s gonna go stay in the Outback forever?” I asked.

“No… Mostly, yeah. That’s why Outback families marry out. They want agents in the larger world. It’s for trade, commerce. They’re making a push for money. I’d guess planning a coven war in a few decades.”

“Decades? Ya’ll get down like that?”

“Chess is very long in this world. Heads up, get quiet,” he said, gesturing as we moved towards a veil of cloth separating the hall from what I could tell from here was a large eating room.

The smell of food grew.

Real food.

I was so excited.

I felt my tongue licking the crowns on my canines as we stepped through the veil into it, the smell of whatever they were preparing for dinner in the private kitchen flooding my nose.

A large banquet table sat at the room’s center with a small handful of elegantly dressed and unbelievably gorgeous women at it.

If heaven were better than this room?

Yeah, I’m down. Lemme get my soul back.

“God d-…”

Cutter’s hand smacked the back of my head so hard and fast it made me stumble forward a step.

No one saw it, so I played that shit off while I cut eyes at him.

His return stare said everything in a glance.

Shut up.

Realizing my mouth almost ruined the whole damn thing before it started, I nervously looked away and nodded.

Yeah. That was on me.

Cutter found a couple of places at the table, and we sat down.

As we did, no one spoke. The ladies just sat there staring at me.

A circlet of green eyes, light smatterings of freckles.

All redheads. All varying styles of hair. All dressed for an evening out at the theater.

The one with spunky, short hair kept giving me the eye.

I wasn’t sure if it was a choosing signal or if she was just as hungry as I was.

All with such amazing… assets. We’re gonna go with assets.

Sitting up like a small regiment of soldiers, standing at attention for my perusal.

Yeah nigga, I was perusing.

They had the low cut tops, titties just having a conversation with the air.

Wait, is this objectifying?

Fuck, it is.

I threw my eyes at something else.

Anything else.

The wall, nigga. The chair. Wait, no, can’t see a chair unless you lookin’ through titties.

Uh, there we go.

I looked over at Cutter.

He was shrugging off his mantle.

A server appeared to collect it for him and set it aside, freeing Cutter’s broad shoulders.

Damn, that nigga was big.

Was he any help in that moment? Fuck. No.

I turned my eyes from him to…

The chandelier.

“That chandelier is… awesome… That’s really nice,” I said.

Oh my god. Please tell me I didn’t just say some stupid shit like that.

I let my eyes drop back down.

To Short’n’Spunky sitting across from me with those…

I gave her the up-down and bit my lip.

Cutter kicked my ankle under the table, and she turned her eyes to the top of the room.

“Nng…!” I grunted, throwing my eyes in the same direction.

A door opened there, and an elegantly dressed asian woman with silver-white hair came gliding in. She had Yakuza tattoos up and down her arms in a beautiful, shoulderless dress that wrapped around her neck like serpents.

This cannot be happening to me.

I just avoided the last cleavage party and barely survived.

Now this bitch comes waltzing in with the fattest. titties. I have ever seen in my life.

“Lady Hikari. Glad you could make it,” Cutter said, and everyone rose to bow deeply.

Except me.

I was still staring at dem tiddies.

“Damn.”

It just came out.

Everyone stared at me.

Fuck was I supposed to do?

It was like being in a cornucopia of coochie, and I had to behave.

Anything I did in this moment was going to make my circumstance worse.

Anything I thought in that moment was going to put me in a worse situation.

Anywhere my eyes got caught going in this situation would get me in hot water.

Anything I let slip out of my mouth right now would throw me into deeper dookie, nigga.

This is what trapped feels like!

That’s when that silver-haired walking piece of sex appeal reminded me she was a person.

And a dangerous one.

Her head slowly turned to me as everyone sat back down, and she slid into her seat.

“Good morning, Sweet, Sweet Baby,” she said in an almost motherly voice.

But really, it was a threat.

She was reminding me of my taste.

My flavor profile.

Euphoric and sweet. Even I had to remember it. My taste.

I swallowed as she went on.

“Would you be so kind as to control your thoughts until you learn to shut your mind? They’re very loud,” she said through an elegant Japanese accent.

Oh my fucking God, she can read my thoughts.

Fuck. Why’d I have to realize that after motor-boating her in my mind?

She was staring at me like she was disgusted by everything she saw in front of her.

Politely.

I just sorta looked away and nodded.

“Y…yeah… I ain’t… know you could…” I cleared my throat, looking around.

One of the women at the table threw me a wicked look and licked one of her sharp fangs, reminding me of my situation.

That I’d just insulted someone who could let every creature in this room drink my ass to death.

Fuck, I’m about to take an L.

Why am I so good at bein’ a loser?

That’s legitimately a fucked up skill to have.

I looked over at Cutter.

he acted like he didn’t even see me.

And he still hadn’t said anything.

Kinda envied him.